Jim's Sunday Sermon
Written by Jim Brochu
© 1998, 1999 by Jim Brochu
NEXT: PART 1: THE ADAM FAMILY
Adam & Eve & Rev. MooreJULY 1998: While watching "CNN Talkback Live," a Rev. Amos Moore of Atlanta was debating one of his neighbors, a wholesome looking young man from the Foxwood section of town. Though the reverend was black and the neighbor was white, both agreed that their issue was not racial, it was biblical.AN INTRODUCTION TO THE BIBLE
Reverend Moore, was proclaiming he would rather have the prostitutes and drug addicts who make up the majority of Foxwood stay rather than see the homosexuals "take over."
Reverend Moore, using the story of Sodom and Gomorrah as the basis for his argument, showed how gays and lesbians posed a bigger threat to his children then the current residents - hustlers, pushers and gang bangers. Although he proclaimed that God would destroy Foxfire with heavenly fire, the real estate values have been skyrocketing since the gays started moving in and, as the young man said, "makin' it purdy."
I could only feel sad as to how the reverend was using the Bible to divide people. I started to wonder, "Does the Bible really say all the things that professional Bible spouters says it does?" I'll admit I've never read the bible cover to cover and thought I'd see what was in there for myself. So, story by story, here's an interpretation of the good book from the eyes of a very confused gay Christian.I can just picture God sitting on his heavenly throne, feet up on a galaxy, sipping a Mai Tai and watching the World Cup soccer finals on CCN (The Celestial Cable Network). Suddenly, the new Angelservant on duty flutters in and tells God that while he was cleaning Cloud Seven, he ran across a biography of Him called the Bible and thought He should read it.
Now mind you, this was the Angelservant's first day on the job and he had not been informed that the other Angelservants and citizens of heaven had been keeping the Bible away from God for centuries. Everyone read it when it first came out and knew what an unflattering portrait Moses and the other editor/correspondents had painted of the Lord God.
The initial release of the Bible in heaven caused as much stir as the release of Tropic Of Cancer on Earth. Seraphim and Cherubim crouched behind the cracks of heaven's gate with second-hand copies to read about God, their boss...the the man they thought they knew.
Suddenly, every angel and saint was talking about the scandal - the scandal of God's true personality revealed. They read in Genesis, Exodus and throughout the Old Testament how the kindly and benevolent creator they saw strolling around heaven smiling and blessing people was actually leading a double life on earth as a full-time, mean-spirited prankster and part-time serial killer.
God comes across as a mean, vindictive, manipulative, passive-aggressive, obsessive-compulsive, manic-depressive control freak who maims and murders as a way of grabbing people's attention. Many of the heavenly creatures thought God should sue for libel and defamation of character. The God they knew was a kind and loving guy while the God of the Bible comes across as a sociopath in desperate need of professional help. So they just decided to keep the good book from Him and not get Him upset.We hear every day from pastors and preachers that the bible teaches us how to act toward one another. And yet if we read the Bible as to how God has treated man, it's a palate of actions that range from sending mixed messages to sending cataclysmic destruction because someone ticked him off by not getting the blood-sacrifice "just right." If the Bible does not present a true picture of the personality of God then we should find other ways to gain knowledge of Him. But if the God of the Bible is an accurate portrait then man needs to get a restraining order.
FROM STEVE: The contents of this site are sarcastic and irreverent.
Leading professionals believe he may have some unresolved anger issues regarding the way people have used and misused the Bible.
He was raised Roman Catholic and after he met me, raised Missionary Baptist, he was introduced to the idea of taking what Baptists call "a literal interpretation of the Bible."
Then, some readers challenged him to "read his Bible." So, with a totally honest intention, he began reading it from the beginning and was so shocked by its contents, he began writing this.
Some conservative Christian friends of mine, upon reading his take on scripture, wrote and said that it "hurt" them. So, unless you come into this with an open mind -- and can take some critical sarcasm of the text of the Bible -- I suggest you skip this.
I want to emphasize that this is an honest attempt to interpret what he has read, but he is a comedian, so he might not be seen as serious, heaven forbid.
Have compassion for his journey.
Steve Schalchlin, owner of bonusround dot com.
PART 2: CAIN & ABEL
PART 3: NOAH, CAPTAIN OF THE FIRST LOVE BOAT
PART 5: SODOM, SARAH & ISAAC
PART 6: THE ISAAC FAMILY PLOTS
PART 7: JACOB & HIS WILD KIDS
PART 8: I DREAM OF JOSEPH
This is an excerpt from a new book called
FORGIVING GOD HE'S ONLY HUMAN
or a musical revue HYMNS & HERESY.
© 1998, 1999 by Jim Brochu. All rights of reproduction are reserved.
This book originated at Bonusround.com.